Am I really that threatening?

I just got called an f*&$%n' b*%#h upwards of a dozen times. The best part is(you are wondering, can there really be a BEST part to this story, there is) that I was called said name by a 4 foot nothin' 13 year old who hits like a 7 year old girl. He thought I was threatening him when I asked him to stop building a fort under the table in my classroom. What...I asked nicely? This is recreation therapy not day care punk!

P.S. This is the same kid who last week stated matter of factly that children should be punished by putting them up in trees or leaving them in grave yards. Yikes...I hope he never reproduces.

Chuck Norris

Today, with the help of a coworker, I discovered "Chuck Norris Facts." After laughing until tears rolled down my face, I decided to share some with you.

Enjoy!

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

3. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.

4. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

5. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

6. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

7. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

8. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

9. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

10. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

11. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

12. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

13.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

14. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

15. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

16. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

17. When a tsunami happens, it’s because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.

18. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

19. Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.

20. Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.

21. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

22. Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.

21. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

22. If Chuck Norris were a ballet dancer, he’d strangle you gracefully with his tutu. And then himself.

23. Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.

24. There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard, there is only another fist.

25. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Ouch!

Before Tuesday, the last time I was on a horse was the summer of 2005 in Costa Rica. Those are adventures for another blog. Anyways, at work we are having some of our patients participate in experiential learning programs with horses. I love riding, and being around horses lately has made me want to get back in the saddle. What was I thinking! I am in so much pain. Who ever decided that it would be a good idea to sit atop 1,500 lbs. of wild beast and run at full speed. Seriously, my behind must be black and blue, not to mention the bruise on my arm from a tender "love bite" from an adorable baby colt. Regardless, I am dedicated to my re found hobby and will be engaging in this self harming behavior at least every Tuesday till winter starts. Yeehaa!

My Handsome Hero

Candace and I walk to the car, braving the 98 degree weather. It is so hot but the air conditioner is starting to kick in. Our perspiration begins to subside as we discuss which establishment we will grace with our meager budget. I ask Candace if she has ever eaten at B'Sghetti's. She says she loves Italian food so off we go. I drive as I imagine a race horse would run if he understood the money that was at stake. Finally, we arrive, the air conditioned restaurant is heaven! We order, both of us get the Torino combo meal, with a salad, mini spinach alfredo pizza and a drink. They are out of my favorite Sobe beverage (curses!) so I let them know and decide to use the women's facilities while I wait. The bathroom is through a door in a shared hallway with the neighboring office. All goes well, I wash my hands and walk back into the hallway. I expectantly put out my hand and try the lever to open the door...it is locked. What I wonder, locked? I try again, a little more frantic this time. Definitely locked. I look to the left and to the right, weighing my options. There is a door into Liberty Taxes that I try, it is also locked. To the right is an EXIT. I open the door only to realize that it is just a long and very dark hallway with a door at the end, what if that is locked too? Frantic, I begin knocking on the door, hoping someone will hear me. I laugh a little but only so I won't cry at the predicament I find myself in. I pound harder and listen...can't anybody hear me? Several minutes have passed, enough for Candace to wonder but not to worry and come looking. I knock some more, aware that it probably sounds like construction next door. Will I spend my entire lunch locked in a hallway? I jiggle the handle, kick the door and knock creatively, "maybe that won't sound like construction," I think out loud. Without warning...it opens. Handsome man in blue dress shirt and tie opens the door.

"The door was locked..." I struggle to hide my escalated emotions.

He looks at me, confused. I must look like an idiot. I explain what has happened as handsome just stares at me like I have cockroaches crawling out of my nose. Suddenly he understands, he smiles (oh and that smile),

"Well, I guess I will put a chair in front of the door then."

The moment is ruined, I walk back to an oblivious Candace, shoulders forward, ashamed.


"Sorry, I was locked in the bathroom..."

Mottos

I am pretty sure this is the motto that my company follows. Well, at least is is how the administration makes us feel.

For more entertaining demotivators click here.

My New Place

The Graylyn!

So I did it! I finally moved out on my own. Yep, all by myself. It is amazing what a little freedom can do for ones spirits. Needless to say, I am loving the change!

The move was better than expected. I have a wonder family and strong brothers. I also am blessed with hard working and loving friends who did more than their fair share. I guess I owe you guys one (you know who you are)!

So, apparently Budget Rentals has these great cartoons on the side of their trucks, enjoy...

I love my friends!

I don't have animals but baahahaha!

Been there, done that.

Don't let this happen to you!

Lance invited me to go to Liquid Joe's last night to see his roommate's band Three Reasons. Obviously I don't spend a lot of time in bars so you could say I am a little naive about the things one might observe at a bar. Topping the chart of most amusing sights I've ever seen was the woman, at least in her 60's with bright red, frizzy hair, wearing a low cut, backless body suit and stretch pants. WOW! Her shirt was so low you could see the tattoo she had on one of her breasts, she danced the whole time and got the entire band's autographs on a napkin at the end of the show. Again, WOW! Jessie, Ram, Lance and I had some fun guessing her day job and eventually named her Deloris and decided she works at Dee's and calls everyone "honey." I wish I had some footage of her moves, you will have to use your imagination but I did find this picture that could possibly be her. Eat your heart out!